Plot bunnies gone haywire
by InvisibleBlade
Summary: A collection of one shots. Some funny, some angsty, some rolling in the fluff. Rated T for some suggestiveness, and shameless inuendoes. Please read/review.
1. Never eat food that The Doctor buys

**DISCLAIMER: DOCTOR WHO BELONGS TO THE BBC. **

**A/N: THIS WILL BE A COMBINATION OF ALL MY ODD BITS AND BOBS SET IN THE WHONIVERSE. FOR THE REST OF THIS WEEK I'LL PROBABLY BE WRITING SOLELY ONE SHOTS TO PUT IN THIS FICLET AS I FEEL THAT I CAN'T PUT MY HEART INTO MY OTHER MAIN FICS AS MUCH AS I WANT TOO AS I'M BUSY WITH SCHOOL STUFF.**

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**Prompt ' destroyed'**

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" It's Destroyed!" The Doctors voice boomed through the corridor loudly.

Amy raced into the TARDIS kitchen to see what all the commotion was about. " Doctor what's up?" She asked worriedly.

The Doctors face was contorted up in anger, his fists clenched. Slowly with seemingly a great lot of effort he lifted his arm to point at something. " That is what's up Pond!" He exclaimed.

Amy clamped a hand over her mouth to try and stop the laughter escaping her throat. The Doctor was currently pointing at a humungous jammy dodger with a quite a chunky slice taken out of it.

" Amelia this is deadly serious! Someone has helped themselves to my jammy dodger. " He whined." My jammy dodger!" He emphasised.

" Doctor would you calm down. It's only one piece right? You've still got the rest of the jammy dodger to eat all by yourself." Amy pointed out.

" Eat it Pond? Why would I want to do such a treacherous thing like that for?" His eyes widened in shock horror.

Amy frowned. " If you weren't going to eat it. What were you going to do with it?"

" I was going to add it to my universal jammy dodger collection." He pouted. " But I can't now because it's destroyed." He wailed.

" Universal jammy dodger collection?" Amy smirked, shaking her head in amusement.

" Yes Pond. It's not only Earth that makes them you know. " He informed her in a matter of fact tone of voice. " That particular one was from the island of sweet sweet on the planet netrene! There's never been one like it and someone has eaten it. Gone forever." He sniffled. Suddenly his eyes were solely fixed on Amy. He crossed his arms and glared at her, flicking his thick brown mop of hair out of his eyes he asked, " You don't know anything about the missing slice do you Pond?"

" Me? Why would I know anything about it?" Amy gasped.

" I was just asking." The Doctor stated. " I have to gather all the evidence I can." Briskly The Doctor reached inside his tweed jacket and pulled out a magnifying glass.

" What are you doing now?" Amy questioned.

" I am … I am. " The Doctor muttered under his breath whilst inspecting the kitchen floor. " Ahhh ha!" He yelled so loudly and abruptly that Amy jumped out her skin.

" What now?" Amy exhaled, rolling her eyes.

" Crumbs… evidence. " The Doctor grinned and started to sprint out the kitchen door, following the traces of jammy dodger crumbs.

Amy face palmed before taking after her crazy, bonkers, mad best friend. She wasn't at all surprised when The Doctor stopped outside hers and Rory's room. Logically Rory had to be the one who had taken it since it hadn't been her and it certainly hadn't been The Doctor. Big mistake she thought, biting her lip in laughter as The Doctor began yelling and banging on the bedroom door.

" Roranicus Pondicus, get out here right now! " The Doctor knocked repeatedly on the door.

" Erm Doctor, now isn't a good time. " Rory's muffled voice replied.

" Yes Pond now is a very good time ! Because you stole my jammy dodger. "

" Maybe later." Rory stated.

" Rory you know that there isn't a limit to the amount of times a man can die!" The Doctor roared.

As the bedroom door creaked open both Amy and The Doctor fell onto the floor in hysterics. Rory had turned a dark shade of purple. His hair, his skin, even his eyes had turned purple.

Rory groaned. " Why do these things always happen to me?"

" Because Pond you shouldn't take other people's things without asking." The Doctor grinned.

" But why did he turn purple?" Amy asked, curious.

The Doctor shrugged. " Who knows. Perhaps it's a side effect of the jam. It was after all purchased from a completely different galaxy, a completely different planet, not Earth."

" How long will it last? Can you change me back?" Rory quizzed.

" I have no intention of doing so." The Doctor retorted stubbornly. " You stole my jammy dodger and they you had the nerve to eat it. So no !"

Rory retreated back into the bedroom momentarily, when he reappeared he was carrying his very sharp Roman sword.

" Eeeep." The Doctor squealed , turning on his heel and running as fast as his long, lanky legs could take him. Rory scowled and began chasing after him, sword at the ready.

Amy beamed widely and shook her head. " That's my boys." She quickly sped after them to ensure that Rory didn't end up killing The Doctor.

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**I REALLY HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR THIS. I BLAME IT ON TOO MUCH SUGAR. **

**I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU TOOK A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR TIME TO LEAVE A REVIEW.**

**INVISIBLEBLADE XXX**

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' **INVISIBLEBLADE' **


	2. The Doctors' sick day

**DISCLAIMER: DOCTOR WHO BELONGS TO THE BBC. **

**A/N: A HUGE THANKS GOES TO THOSE WHO HAVE FAVED/ALERTED AND TO THOSE WHO TOOK THE TIME TO LEAVE A REVIEW. THERE'S NO PROMPT FOR THIS ONE SHOT. THE ONE-SHOTS BASED ON HOW I FEEL TODAY.**

**WARNING: IF YOU DON'T LIKE DOCTORWHUMP LOOK AWAY NOW**

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Rory was bored. Amy was having a long scented bubble bath and had made it very clear not to disturb her or else. He dreaded to think what the or else could entail. He had somehow ended up in the console room. Perhaps he could hang out with The Doctor for a while, The Doctor never seemed to get bored. Now where would he be? Rory thought momentarily. Deciding the most likely place to find him would be tinkering with wires under the console Rory began walking down the stairs to the underbelly of the TARDIS. Rory stopped in his tracks when he heard a familiar noise. Surprised, he waited to see if he had imagined it but nope there it was again.

"Ahhhchoo!"

Back in the days when he had been a small town nurse working late shifts he had heard plenty of sneezing, coughing, and spluttering. These were the sounds of the sick. However because of the person the noise had come from the noise sounded so … foreign. Since when did The Doctor get sick? As Rory reached the bottom step he frowned at the sight that lay before him.

The Doctor was propped up on his hammock, sitting on the very edge, looking as though he was going to tip onto the floor at any given moment. He was clutching his head in his bony hands, his features contorted in pain, his hair stuck to his head with layers of sweat and his skin a deathly shade of white . Vile liquid was streaming out of his nose without mercy and his breathing was shallow and raspy. Rory took a step towards the ill man but The Doctor seemed totally unaware of his presence. Rory placed a hand on The Doctors shoulder. " Doctor are you ok?" Rory asked, realising a minute too late that that was properly the worst question he could have asked. The Doctor looked like he had been dragged through hell and back.

The Doctor slowly lifted his head and gave a subtle nod. " I'm fine dank you." He sniffled. Rory could now see The Doctors bloodshot eyes, rimmed with dark purple shadows that made the man suddenly look his actual age and not the young immature man he usually came across as. Lifting his hand Rory pressed his fingers to The Doctors forehead.

" Doctor you're sick." Rory stated.

" I'm am dot sick." The Doctor replied rather snappily.

" Doctor you have a temperature. You're saying d's instead of t's and you're nose is running." Rory pointed out.

" Ponnd I am dot sick." The Doctor retorted rather feebly as his teeth started to chatter. He pushed himself of the hammock in an attempt to prove he was in a perfectly fit state but rather failed as his legs gave out beneath him.

" Gotcha." Rory whispered as he caught The Doctor in the nick of time. Wrapping his arms around the scrawny mans frame in order to stabilise the both of them Rory realised in shock horror how skinny The Doctor actually was. The Doctor trembled violently, a fragile stick of nothing melting into Rory's arms. " Still sure you're not sick?" Rory smirked.

" fine you got me, I'm sick." The Doctor let out a loud cough that seemed to make his whole ribcage shudder.

"You need to rest Doctor." Rory exclaimed.

" Onestly I'm fine. It's nothing to orry about." The Doctors voice came out as an almost groan.

Rory having enough of The Doctors stubbornness scooped the lightweight of a man up into his arms. The Doctor mumbled a weak protest and attempted to pound on Rory's chest but ended up just mildly tapping him instead. " This is for you own good you know. Now where's your room?"

Rory didn't think he would get an answer to the question. The Doctor had always been secretive when it came to his room. Rory had asked Amy if she had ever seen his room once, but she had said that not even she had been aloud to see it. Rory had long ago come to the conclusion that The Doctor just slept in the hammock below the TARDIS for that was where he was when he and Amy went to sleep and that was where he always seemed to be when the both of them woke up. So when The Doctor croaked directions to it, to say he was a little shocked was a slight understatement.

" Up the stairs. First right."

Rory followed The Doctors instructions and came to a humungous, ancient looking door that had the fading remains of what looked like Gallifreyan carved into it. How had he not seen the door before? Rory kicked the door lightly as both of his hands were occupied. The door swung open with a ear-splitting creak, revealing a room even grander than Rory had imagined. It was a circular room as big as what would be equivalent to ten Earth football pitches. The carpet that lay on the floor was a rich red colour and the ceiling had stars dancing across it, shining spectacularly. In the centre lay a king sized bed. So much for bunk beds are cool huh Rory thought. There was what looked like a science lab on one side of the room with all sorts of strange chemicals bubbling away. The furniture practically screamed mad old professor and was very fitting for a man such as The Doctor.

Staggering into the room he walked over to the bed and placed The Doctor onto it gently . The Doctor let out a pitiful whimper and curled up into a foetal position. " You don have to stay onnd." The Doctor sighed.

" Yes I do. I'm a nurse and you're my patient." Rory pulled the covers up so they were lying half way up The Doctor before sitting down on the edge of the bed and staring at his feet awkwardly. " Do you want anything? Food? Water? Blankets? A cold towel? " Rory questioned.

" Nope Mmm fine." The Doctor replied. "Yooo really don have to do this onnd."

" Do what?" Rory asked in confusion, brow furrowed.

" care for me." The Doctors eyes fluttered shut.

Rory watched in satisfaction as The Doctor started to snore softly. Smiling sadly he uttered, "Someone has to."

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**MY SYMPATHIES ARE WITH RORY'S BOREDOM AND THE DOCTORS SICKNESS. I'M ILL AT THE MOMENT AND I AM EXTREMELY BORED! **

**SORRY IT'S NOT HUMOROUS. I JUST CAN'T WRITE FUNNY STUFF WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS. X( **

**I PROMISE YOU THAT AS SOON AS I'M BETTER THERE'LL BE MORE TARDIS FUN. **

**DID YOU KNOW REVIEWS ARE LIKE MEDICINE? PWETTY PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW. **

**AND PLEASE FEEL FREE TO READ MY OTHER STORIES AS WELL. **

**INVISIBLEBLADE XXX **


	3. A confesion of love

**DISCLAIMER: DOCTOR WHO BELONGS TO THE BBC. **

**A/N: SO I'M STILL ILL IN BED BUT THANKS TO CITIZENWHOVILLE123 I'M IN A MUCH BETTER MOOD TO WRITE XD. AND SINCE CITIZENWHOVILLE123 ASKED SO NICELY THIS ONE-SHOT INVOLVES RIVER. IT'S A LITTLE SAD AT FIRST BUT TRUST ME IT GETS FLUFFY.**

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**Prompt - Love**

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As River fizzled out of existence, transporting herself back to Stormcage The Doctor let out a breath that he didn't know he had been holding. He had partly been holding his breath because of the bouts of sadness that were tangled with his hearts. The reason for his sadness being the gaps between his time with River were getting further and further away, he hadn't wanted her to leave. If he had his way he'd keep River by his side for eternity, holding on to her with all his strength and not once would he let go. However the universe had other ideas. Soon the woman he loved would be ripped away from him and there was nothing that he could do about it.

The other part of him had been holding his breath in relief. There were certain things that he just couldn't do when he was around River. Some things that would even make the flirtatious, curly haired woman blush.

His eyes began darting around the console room, a flash of paranoia within his pools of green. Reassured that he was truly alone in the TARDIS he began speeding up the stairs and through the TARDIS corridors with urgency. His legs hardly had time to stop as he slammed into his main offices' door. He grinned and rubbed his hands together in glee. Pushing the door open he skipped into the room. A old, worn out rug lay underneath a gigantic leather arm chair and there were all sorts of old antiques lying on dusty shelves that he had picked up over all his years of travelling through time and space . Sensing The Doctors presence the TARDIS set alight the central fireplace, it's illuminating light made the whole room look a lot more welcoming.

" Thanks dear." He whispered under his breath receiving a gentle hum in reply.

He quickly walked with purpose to a set of draws and opened the bottom drawer with trembling hands. His eyes lit up and a smirk formed across his features. What he was now staring at was two porcelain dolls crafted by the very best craftsman in the universe. One was of himself but he really didn't care about that one although the detail was down to an absolute T. The doll captured his twinkling green eyes perfectly and the mini silk bow-tie really made the replica of himself look classy. Not so different from myself he thought smugly, giving his own bow-tie a tweak. However it is the doll that is shaped in the form of his wife that he so dearly loves. He would go as far as to say that he loved the doll almost as much as he loved his living, breathing wife. The doll captured Rivers fiery temper just as much as it captured her flirtatious side and if he imagined really hard it almost felt as if she were with him. The doll was now clothed in a beautiful pearly coloured dress, some gorgeous heals that complimented the look and of course he had been respectful enough to have placed a tiny strap and holster around the dolls waist so the micro sized gun he had brought would have a rightful place to go. Smiling to himself he brushed his fingers against the doll, caressing the bare porcelain of his wife's doll that wasn't covered by her garment. Delicately as if at any given moment the doll would shatter into a thousand pieces he picked the doll up and cradled her before gathering his doll up as well.

He got up from his crouching position, strolled over to the armchair and fell back into it. He wriggled about until he found a comfortable position. The arm chair was far too big, even for him and made him feel like a little boy sitting in his fathers chair.

Once settled he began playing out certain memories with the dolls. Certain memories that invaded his every day thoughts. Naughty thoughts. The sort of thoughts that made him feel as though his two hearts were going to burst. Thoughts that set his very being alight with want and need for his wife. " I love you." He exhaled. As stupid as it may seem he had never been able to say those three little words to his real wife. He shook his head and growled to himself. He would often see in her eyes that she knew how deep his love ran for her but not once had he gotten the guts to say it. I mean how hard is it to say those three word you stupid, foolish man he cursed inwardly. " I love you River Song!" He shouted out loud in frustration.

" Do you sweetie, that's nice."

The Doctors hearts froze at the sound of his wife's voice coming from behind him. Swallowing deeply he slowly turned his head and sure enough there was River in all her glory, looking even more gorgeous than ever, not a curl out of place. " River?" He squeaked, turning a dark shade of beetroot red. He stood up a bit to quickly causing him to stumble backwards slightly as the blood rushed to his head. He attempted to hide the dolls behind his back, he shuffled his feet and glanced away from her awkwardly.

River let out a laugh so melodic that the hairs on the back of his neck stood up on end. " You don't have to hide them sweetie. I think that it's kinda cute. Who knew that you were so.. kinky " She threw him a grin so wide that he couldn't help but laugh.

Before even a single word could pass his lips however he found himself on the ground, dolls splayed either side of him and a very real River Song straddling him. His eyes widened as River began to nip at his neck playfully. He looked into her eyes and recognised something that he hadn't seen in them for a very long while. Wonder, curiosity, worship… lust, the look was almost feral. This was River song but she wasn't his River. This was young River, a River that ran purely on hormones. This her is wild and naïve, a empty shell of a girl looking for guidance and love and affection that she had missed out on in her childhood.

Reaching up a hand he cupped Rivers face and affectionately stroked her chin. " It's true what I said you know." He stated in a low, husky voice that caused River to shiver.

"And what's that Sweetie?" She asked in confusion.

" I love you." He breathed into her ear. He felt a pressure lift off his shoulders, it felt good to say it out loud.

" Don't say that." River demanded.

" Why? It's true." He said as he casually ran a hand through her golden curls.

" Because I am unlovable. What is there to love? I killed you sweetie." His hearts shattered into obliteration as one single tear rolled down her cheek.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her slim waist. " Listen to me River. You're anything but unlovable. And the fact that you killed me wasn't your fault it was in a way my own. River you gave up all your remaining regenerations for me. How could I have not fallen in love with you after that? " He placed the pad of his thumb on her cheek and wiped up the glistening track the tear had left. " Do you understand me River?"

River gave out a raspy hiccup, there were more tears threatening to escape in her eyes but she nodded in understanding.

" River I let you go once when you were a baby. I am never going to do that again." He shifted beneath her so his lips are brushing against hers and he kisses her like he's never going to stop.

He knows one thing for sure and that is that he's going to be the one to give her all the guidance, love and affection she needs to become the woman he so dearly loves. He might not have much time left with his River but he still has so many new adventures to go on with young River, and such a lot of running to do.

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	4. Shrink ray

**DISCLAIMER: DOCTOR WHO BELONGS TO THE BBC**

**A/N: A HUGE THANKS GOES TO ANYONE WHO HAS FAVED/ALERTED/ REVIEWED. I HOPE YOU ENJOY READING THIS AS MUCH AS I ENJOYED WRITING IT. IT'S SHORT BUT SWEET.**

**WARNING : SLIGHT ADULT TOPICS CONTAINED IN THIS ONE SHOT .. NOTHING GRAPHIC THOUGH.**

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**Prompt : Shrink ray**

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If asked who's fault it was that he was now reduced to the size of a mouse he'd immediately point up to the huge curly haired giant that was now looming over him.

It was completely, one hundred percent all Rivers fault … not at all his!

It had been her idea! She had said that it would be fun … that it would spice up certain things.

Except she had pointed the wrong end of the enlargement ray at him and well that's how in he had gotten in this mess.

" Sweetie, are you ok?" Rivers voice boomed above him, almost shattering his tiny eardrums, he took a step back in surprise. His wife lay down on the floor with a loud thud so her face was directly in front of him. He stared into her predator like eyes and gulped, he nodded slightly. Reaching his micro hand out to her he brushed his fingertips against her nose slightly causing laughter to flow out of Rivers mouth, nearly blowing him backwards like a hurricane.

" River this is not funny!" He exclaimed, grabbing his throat in shock at the squeaky voice that had just escaped his lips.

River bit her bottom lip, holding back her amused laughter. Normally he loved her laughter, it was like the song of a nightingale in the night, but laughter from giant River whilst he was a mini Doctor just wasn't any fun at all. " I'm sorry my love, that just tickled. " She grinned at him.

" River you have to change me back!" The Doctor demanded, though his voice lacked little authority now, not that River took much notice to his authority when he had been normal sized anyway.

" Aww, but you are just sooo cute." She smirked, teasing him was one of her favourite pastimes. The Doctor crossed his arms and pouted. "Come on Sweetie. Don't think of it as a bad thing, think of it as an opportunity." A dark shadow closed on him and before he knew what was happening he found himself enwrapped in rivers hand. He yelped and wriggled upwards towards the small spot of light he could see. When his head finally broke the surface he gasped for air, his little hearts pumped franticly within his ribcage from the effort of the climb.

" River! What? Opportunities? What are you talking about?" He yipped.

Rivers other hand came towards him, he flinched. Instead of the impending doom he had been expecting however he felt River stroking his tuft of soft brown hair, sending shivers down his spine . Even he was surprised by the gurgling noise that was produced from somewhere deep within him. River smiled and uncurled her fingers from him so he was standing on her flat palm. She ran her fingers down his body before causing him to again to gurgle in pleasure … by massaging his lower area.

" Riv .." He wailed.

" Mmmh." She Replied in what sounded almost like a purr.

" Perhaps being small isn't so bad.." He gasped as all coherent thoughts flew from his mind.

" I've always said that size doesn't matter sweetie." She grinned down at his now trembling form.

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**OK AS YOU CAN SEE I'M QUITE A DIRTY MINDED PERSON XD. AGAIN SORY FOR IT'S SHORTNESS AS I'M ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE REVISING FOR MY DRAMA EXAM RIGHT NOW. PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. **

**WANT A ONE SHOT SPECIFICALLY WRITTEN ABOUT SOMETHING? JUST SUGGEST IT AND I SHALL WRITE IT ( NO MATTER HOW CRAZY, WEIRD OR RANDOM IT IS) **

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	5. It all started with an exsplosion

**DISCLAIMER: DOCTOR WHO BELONGS TO THE BBC.**

**A/N: A HUGE THANKS TO ALL THE ALERTS/ FAVES AND TO THOSE WHO LEFT KIND REVIEWS. TO FEZWEARINGBANANA I WILL DEFINATLY BE USING YOUR IDEA IN THE NEXT CHAPTER. **

**THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN BY MYSELF AND MY FRIEND OCEANBLUE96. IT'S CRAZY, WRITTEN BY TWO DIRTY MINDS AND IS PRETTY MUCH FULL TO THE BRIM WITH INNUENDOS. HOWEVER IT'S STILL RATED A T BECAUSE IT'S NOTHING GRAPHIC.**

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There was an explosion.

" What has that impossible idiot done now." River exhaled.

" It's gone everywhere!" Came a yell from the TARDIS corridors.

River waltzed down the corridor to try and find her idiot husband, but she didn't get very far as she slipped, and fell into a sticky mess.

" Ahh." She wailed as she struggled back to her feet again.

The Doctor sprinted to her rescue, seemingly appearing from nowhere. He appeared to be covered in the same sticky substance that River had slipped on. " Ah, this is rather awkward." He muttered under his breath, blushing a bright red.

" What have you been up to now?" River sighed, looking at the mess that was covering the both of them.

" I was just experimenting with a few things." He looked at her innocently through his mop of hair.

She looked at him questionably, raising her eyebrow.

" I'm a grown man River. I can do what I want with my toys." He declared.

River laughed.

" What's so funny?" The Doctor asked.

" The fact that you believe that you're a grown man." She laughed hysterically.

His forest green eyes narrowed, a smirk formed across his features. " Sorry, I just couldn't control myself."

" If you're not careful in the future, I'll take your toys and lock them away." River stated.

The Doctors eyes sparkled with tears as he sobbed. " No one can take my toys from me, and I mean no one! Not even you, I'm rather attached to my toys. "

" Believe me, I'll find a way." She smirked.

Making things worse for himself The Doctor said. " You can't! I'm sort of stuck to them, if you get what I mean."

" Lets help each other get out of this mess. " River grinned broadly.

River and The Doctor removed each others sticky clothing until they were standing in their underwear.

" So what actually caused all this mess?" Questioned River.

" Well …" The Doctor trailed off.

" Well what? … I'm waiting." Scowled River.

"Erm…Well it all started with my superman action figure."

" Well what happened?" Stated River, starting to get annoyed with her husbands childish behaviour.

" I was playing with him when his leg fell off." His bottom lip trembled.

" Then what?" She snapped.

" I squeezed the large tube of super glue, a little bit too hard. " He paused momentarily.

" And?" She asked with peaked interest.

" It kind of exploded and went everywhere. "

" Right and where is this toy may I ask?" She questioned.

" You really don't want to know. " He replied bashfully.

" Fine just clean up this sticky mess before it dries, you know the TARDIS hates it when you get her all sticky. "

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	6. Enlargement ray

**DISCLAIMER: DOCTOR WHO BELONGS TO THE BBC**

**A/N: YEY I'VE BROKEN UP FOR STUDY LEAVE NOW WHICH MEANS I HAVE WAY MORE TIME TO WRITE MY FAN FICTIONS. SO HERE YOU GO AS PROMISED, THE ENLARGEMENT ONE SHOT. **

**WARNING: AGAIN INNUENDOS BUT NOTHING TOO BAD.**

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" River! " The Doctor roared as his head bashed against their bedroom ceiling.

" Hmmm." She hummed below him, a huge smirk spreading across her face.

" I think you've gone a little bit too far. " He exclaimed.

" Oh Sweetie, you can never go too far. " She laughed, shaking her golden curls.

" This is serious River! " He boomed from above her, crying out loudly as his shoulder blade smashed against the wall, sending a sharp pain through the whole of his body. " At the rate I'm growing, I'll explode through the TARDIS."

River raised her left eyebrow, lust swirling darkly within her eyes.

The Doctors mind finally caught on to Rivers trail of thought. " River, not like that!" His cheeks burnt painfully with embarrassment.

River pouted. " Spoil sport."

The Doctor shook his head, honestly his wife was like hormones on legs sometimes. Very aware that he was still growing rapidly, and that he didn't have much more room to grow, upwards at least, he slid down to the floor.

River squeaked, just about dodging her oncoming, gigantic husband.

He laughed heartily, earning himself a stern glare from River. " That wasn't funny." She snapped.

He licked his lips and sighed. " It's not fun being the small one, see." He said patronisingly.

She cocked her head and looked up at him with a smile that could only mean trouble. " Oh I don't know about that my love. " River stated smugly

" River, what are you…." The Doctor trailed off and stared wide eyed at his wife now climbing up his trousers. He chuckled as her tiny hands tickled his sensitive skin. When she eventually reached the top she was completely out of breath, huffing and puffing, but was beaming from ear to ear with her accomplishment. He frowned as she began tugging at his belt. What was she up to now? As his belt clattered to the floor he had finally gathered what she doing, however it was far too late for him to stop her evil, conniving plan. He gasped as he felt her slip inside his boxer shorts. " Rivvaaah!" He slammed down his fist, trying to hold his strong urges back. He froze and almost forgot to breath entirely as he felt Rivers warm tongue against his skin.

" What the hell is going on?" A familiar Scottish voice hollered from the bedroom doorway. He silently cursed himself, he'd forgotten that Rory and Amy were staying on the TARDIS" Doctor why are you so … "He watched as her eyes almost popped out of her skull. He gulped, glancing down to where she was looking. He swore in Gallifreyan underneath his breath, all attempts to hold back his urges had failed." Big. " She finished.

" Amy, did you find them?" Rory's head popped in the doorway. His jaw dropped, " I don't even want to know." He yelled, covering his eyes with his hand whilst dragging a still completely transfixed Amy back out into the TARDIS corridors.

" River get out here, right now." He growled.

" Make me. " He heard his wife's muffled voice reply childishly.

This was going to be a long night …

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	7. The moment the universe stopped

**DISCLAIMER: DOCTOR WHO BELONGS TO THE BBC**

**WARNING: RORY AND THE DOCTOR SHARE A KISS. IF YOU SIMPLY DETEST 11/RORY THEN DO NOT CONTINUE. **

**A/N: AFTER THE EVENTS OF VAMPIRES IN VENICE**

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Rory pulled the thick material of his dressing gown closer to him, as to avoid the bitter cold morning air that he had so kindly been greeted with. How on Earth a spaceship could have morning air was a complete mystery to him. Then again he'd never been in a spaceship before, and he especially hadn't been in a bigger on the inside blue police box spaceship that could travel in time before.

Rory sighed and cradled his head, nursing the headache that had slowly been brewing within his mind. He glanced over to where Amy was sleeping, a permanent smirk etched into her features. He often used to think that she smiled in her sleep because she was dreaming of him but after the days events he found himself highly doubting it.

His beautiful gorgeous Amy, had after all ran off with another man … the night before their wedding. The man may have been an ancient, mad, bow- tie loving alien that owned a time machine, but it didn't change the fact that she had chosen The Doctor over himself. He had lost Amy. No! his inner voice screamed, you never had her in the first place.

He clenched his fist painfully tight. How was it fair that The Doctor wasn't actually Amy'sImaginary friend, that he was in fact real? How was it fair that he had been the one who had cradled Amy in his arms after another day of teasing, and she still chose The Doctor? He had been the one to wipe away her tears, The Doctor had been their cause. He had been the one to talk Amy out of suicide the countless number of times that she had attempted it, The Doctor had abandoned her. Why was it that whenever The Doctor was even mentioned that he was invisible to Amy's eyes.

He had to say that he couldn't blame her for falling in love with him. The Doctor was without a doubt handsome, what with his perfect brown mop of hair, and a jaw line that looked like it should belong to a male model, who wouldn't fall for him?

Rory closed his eyes and let a hot, salty tear roll down his cheek. Compared to The Doctor he realised that he was a tiny spec of dust. To Amy he was nothing, he was just there. For goodness sake she had kissed The Doctor, her heart didn't belong to him, not that it ever had done. Besides he's not really a catch, not with a face like his, and his humongous nose protruding from it.

Yes The Doctor was better looking than he, but The Doctor couldn't offer Amy something that he most certainly could. Safety. The Doctor seemed to waltz around without a care in the world, throwing himself into danger and dragging people into it with him. He reached out and stroked his Amy's ginger hair and took a deep breath as to stop himself from crying yet more tears. Amy had nearly died to day, and it had been all his fault. Rory had told him as much, and hoped that The Doctor would be more careful when it came to Amy's safety or better still, he hoped that he would see sense and take them both back to Leadworth. He caressed her soft skin and placed a gentle kiss upon her forehead, causing her to murmur under her breath. He knew that Amy was happier on the TARDIS than she had been in her whole life. Perhaps he should just go, leave Amy be, try and move on. He pulled away as Amy began to stir, afraid to wake her up.

Rolling up his sleeve he stared at his watch, the tiny hands ticked at an unbearably slow pace. He groaned, it had just turned two in the morning and he knew that his spinning mind just wouldn't let him go back to sleep. What was he going to do? He could go exploring he supposed, to see if there was anything cool on the ship, it was better than doing nothing at least. He manoeuvred himself, placing his feet on the cold floor and lifting himself off of the comfort of the mattress. He hoped he wasn't going to bump into The Doctor, talk about awkward.

Slipping on his blue slippers he began shuffling his way through the dark. Reaching for the door handle he pulled the door open and squeezed through, before shutting it with an affirmative click. He began walking down the twisting and winding corridors, but he only got about five metres down the corridor when a noise hit his eardrums. It was a soft, pitiful sob filled with a dark sorrow that filled Rory with an undesirable dread. Rory's eyes widened, The Doctor was crying. It had to be The Doctor, unless there were more people on board that The Doctor hadn't spoken about. He crept towards the sound, stealthy as a cat in his prime. As he reached the sound he lay eyes upon the saddest sight he had ever seen. The Doctor was crouched on the floor, a trembling ball of puffy bed hair and lengthy limbs, his lips were moving as though he was speaking but no sound escaped, just sobs that rattled his ribcage. Rory blinked, unnerved by what he was seeing. This wasn't the obnoxious, stuck up pratt that he'd seen earlier, this was a broken man, in desperate need of help, a shell of the raggedy Doctor. Rory wasn't sure about what he should do, he already felt like he was invading The Doctors privacy just by watching.

" Doctor …" Rory whispered kindly.

At the sound of his voice The Doctor bolted up to his feet , his swirling green eyes watched Rory warily. He looked as though he just wanted to run on the spot but Rory could tell by the tremors travelling down his legs that even if he did he wouldn't get very far before he would just collapse. " What are you doing here Pond?" The Doctor asked, rather snappily before frowning. " You've been crying Rory, why have you been crying?"

Rory let out a laugh of utter disbelief, " Have you looked at yourself mate? "

The Doctor gulped and began rubbing at his eyes vigorously, until all that remained of his breakdown were the red rims underneath his eyes. " You were right Rory, oh so completely right. " The Doctor took a step toward him, almost falling over.

" Careful." Rory steadied him, supporting most of The Doctors weight himself. " I was right about what?" He asked him, tilting his head slightly.

The Doctor sniffed, " I put people in danger , and I just don't think. Oh Rory if only you knew the amount of people that have died in vein because of me. As someone once said, I fashion people into weapons. I don't even know that I'm doing it, until it's just too late. It's just my people are dead Rory, again my fault entirely and I get awfully lonely. And then you humans come along, curious about what wonders there are in the universe and I just can't help myself. I take and I take, and I make the same mistakes time and time again. I pick up humans, wreck their lives or even worse, I get them killed. I … I .. I " The Doctor stuttered, " I don't know if I could bare it if the same happens to you and Amy." He eventually finished his sentence, and was unable to say any more.

" Shhh. " Rory shook his head, regret filling him up as this was mainly all his fault, after all if he hadn't gone off on one at The Doctor earlier then he'd probably still be his normal, outer shell self. Rory was quite certain that he preferred The Doctor as a pratt rather than the way he was now. " It's not going to happen. I'm sorry about what I said earlier … "

Rory was cut off by something warm and soft pressing against his lips. It took him a while but he finally realised that he was being kissed…. BY THE DOCTOR ! Oh god he thought, what do I do? Who had started it in the first place? Had it been himself? Or had it been The Doctor, looking for a source of comfort?

Rory felt The Doctor pull back and to his surprise as well as The Doctors, he found himself tugging the Timelord closer. A whimper escaped The Doctors throat as Rory raked a hand through his silky brown locks. Rory flickered his tongue delicately across The Doctors tightened lips, pleading for The Doctor to allow him access . Complying The Doctor parted his lips letting Rory's tongue to enter and explore the inside of his mouth. Rory hissed, growled and pinned The Doctor to the TARDIS wall. The Doctor tasted like a thousand suns exploding on his taste buds, like all things righteous and good.

For that one moment in time, those minutes that the two men would never forget, but would never speak of again, the universe stopped and watched in awe.

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	8. The Kissing Competition

**Anastasia Dove inspired me to write this in a review! Thanks! :) **

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"I am too!" Amy yelled.

"Are not." Rory huffed, puckering his lips.

"I am. Just admit it." She smirked.

"You're not a better kisser than me." Rory protested.

"It's ok to be ashamed you know. I have had a lot more practice than you." Amy told him in an ever so slightly patronising voice.

"And I suppose being a kissogram is something to be proud of then?" Rory raised an eyebrow.

"No I never said that I was proud of it. I just said that it is a fact that I have kissed more people than you. Therefore I am far more experienced than you." Amy pointed out defensively.

"That doesn't necessarily make you a better kisser." Rory stated.

Amy sighed, "There's only one way to really decide who the better kisser is. "

"And that is?" Rory questioned his now very mischievous looking wife. This was going to be a long and painful journey for him. He could just tell by that dangerous glint in his wife's eye.

" We both have to kiss someone else. It has to be the same person. And then they have to tell us which kiss they enjoyed the most. " Amy's smile was spreading further and further across her face.

" But who are we going to kiss. We're on a spaceship … in space. The only other person in here is … oh no… no Amy."

" Yes. The Doctor!" Amy squealed and jumped up and down.

"No." Rory shook his head in refusal.

"Why not?" Amy whined.

"One. He's a man. Two. He's The Doctor. Kissing him is just a weird and disturbing thought." Rory shuddered, "And besides you've kissed him already. That's an unfair advantage. "He glared at her long and hard in the hope he'd win the argument. Who was he kidding. This was Amy. He never wins arguments against Amy.

"Excuses. Excuses. You're just afraid you'd lose. Besides that kiss was ages ago. The Doctor will need to compare the two kisses. " Amy smirked.

Rory shook his head, "Fine. I'll do it. Are there any rules?" He caved into Amy's silly game. He was already regretting it.

Amy nodded, " The kiss must last at least two minutes, and The Doctor mustn't work out what's going on until the very end. "

" Right ok. Brilliant. So looking forward to this." Rory drawled sarcastically.

Amy winked, " Let's go get our raggedy man."

Why did he always get dragged into these things?

* * *

Amy decided the more obvious tactic. Strawberry lip gloss applied to lips. The casual flickering of her flaming red hair. The odd flirtatious remark thrown in The Doctor's direction.

However none of these seemed to work. The Timelord was as oblivious as ever.

He seemed far more interested in his jammy dodgers than her.

Eventually she dropped all of her tactics. Instead she just tapped him on the shoulder, " Doctor." She whispered in his ear.

" What? Hmmm" He turned his attention from his sugary biscuits, giving Amy the perfect chance to plant her lips on his . He immediately froze and puckered his lips whilst she forcibly kissed him. It took him several seconds to realise what exactly was going on. When he did he tried to escape her grip, and push her away. She had one whole minute left for the kiss to count so she just wrapped her hands around his waist and pulled him against her, refusing to let him go. She kept him trapped on her lips for another minute and a good few thirty seconds for good luck.

When she finally let him go The Doctor was a deep shade of purple, " Amelia!" He gasped, " What have I told you about that! You have Rory for that. Oh Blimey! Rory … What will he say?" The Doctor swallowed down hard.

Amy laughed, " Oh I wouldn't worry about him." And with that she left the now very confused and embarrassed Timelord.

* * *

Rory hasn't Amy's ability to flirt nor can he use his looks as let's face it he's not the best looking guy in the universe. What with his beaked nose.

He decided that the best chance he had to get The Doctor to kiss him would be to trick him in to doing so.

" Doctor …" He trailed off as his nerves swallowed the rest of his words.

The Doctor literally jumped out of his skin at the sound of his voice, "Ah Rory. I can explain. It was all Amy's fault. It was all her … not me!" The alien shook his head vigorously.

Rory chuckled under his breath slightly. He assumed The Doctor was referring to Amy's previous kiss, " No. Erm … actually I wanted to ask you a question. " Rory bit his lip nervously.

" Fire away Pond." The Doctor visibly relaxed.

" I was wondering, how similar is a Timelord mouth is to a humans? Just curious." Rory edged closer to The Doctor.

The Doctor cocked his head in thought for a moment, "I suppose they're pretty similar. Though the saliva content in a human is far greater. Of course that's because humans descend from apes whereas as Timelords …"

Rory took advantage of The Doctor's endless rambling and attempted to kiss him. The kiss was clumsy and at first Rory's aim ended his lips on the Timelord's chin. When he finally found his target The Doctor responded ever so slightly. His kiss was soft and tender, and felt far less strange than Rory had expected. The kiss seemed timeless, and Rory felt a little sad when their lips parted.

" Pond … care to tell me what the hell is going on. First Amy, now you. What is it with humans always kissing me? " The Doctor rubbed his head, utterly bemused and wide eyed.

" Well me and Amy needed to settle an argument." Rory informed him.

Frowning The Doctor asked, " Argument? What argument? "

At this point Amy came storming in, " About who's the best kisser. So who's it going to be Doctor? Me or Rory?" She questioned him.

The poor alien turned a sickly shade of white. He looked exactly like a deer in headlights, " Erm…"

" Well?" Amy raised her eyebrow and tapped her foot impatiently.

" I have to say the best kisser would have to be …." The Doctor paused dramatically," Me." He finished.

" See I knew he'd say me." Amy and Rory said at the same time before realising what he had just said, " What?" They again said in unison before groaning.

Though they couldn't help but secretly agree with The Doctor.

He was the best kisser.

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**I hope you enjoyed it. **

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	9. Vorarephilia

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own **

**A/N: I was requested to write a fic based on vorarephilia **

**Vorarephilia is when arousal occurs at the idea of eating, or being eaten. With that being said. Enjoy this shameless smut. Rated T for suggestiveness. **

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Oh no it's happening all again I thought as I began feeling the familiar burning sensation in my groin.

This isn't good. This can't be happening. Not now, when I'm supposed to be running away from my certain doom.

This had started happening about a year ago now. I had managed to keep it under relative control, until now. It's quite impossible to ignore my tightening trousers, and it makes running an awful experience.

I wouldn't have minded it too much if I was alone, but as it was, I wasn't. The Ponds were right behind me. Rory and Amy can't see me like this. Not only will it detrimentally destroy any reputation that I had left, but it would be extremely dangerous.

This was only stage one.

Blimey, I'm clueless as to what I'll do when stage two arrives.

" This planet is safe, you said. No danger here, you said. It's completely uninhabited!" Rory yelled from behind me, "Well I have to say that the very large snake behind us disagrees with that." I could imagine Rory's face. He was probably a bright beetroot red, huffing, and puffing with the exhaustion of running.

" Shut up, stupid face" Amelia's quick reply made me smirk.

However that smirk was quickly swiped from my face as her scream echoed out.

I span around and to my horror saw Amy squirming on the ground beneath the ten foot snake with Rory bending over as a human shield. By this point my situation was a rather pressing matter, but I just about managed to block all my thoughts out, bar one : I had to save the Ponds.

My legs moved heavily beneath me, and the pounding of my hearts cried out within my chest. The snakes red scales shone under the sunlight magnificently. It's slit eyes moved to fix on me. My breathing hitched as I felt yet again a tug within my trousers.

Oh dear, of deary me. This is very, extremely not good.

It let out a loud hiss and began slithering towards me.

Well I suppose it solves the problem of saving the Ponds. It however only increases mine.

I watched as the sharp fangs protruding from the snakes dark, ominous mouth dripped with acidic venom. Tiny shivers of immediate pleasure ran up my spine. I imagined those fangs sinking into my pale flesh, drawing blood, and slowly turning my insides to a black mush.

Prior to my current incarnation the thought of being eaten by a large snake would have struck pure terror into my hearts. However as I have found out the same thought has an entirely different effect on my eleventh body.

Unbeknownst to my dearest Ponds this isn't the first time it's happened whilst they have been around. Though I suppose I've just been lucky up to this point because neither of them have witnessed it before. However I'll be lucky If I can get away with it this time, and me and luck don't usually get on very well.

Reaching inside my tweed jacket pocket I reached for my sonic, and pulled it up into the air. A high pitched squeal emitted through the air, and the snake immediately flopped to the ground with a thud. I walked up to it and prodded it gleefully with my foot just to make sure it was completely rendered useless.

By this point my situation was reaching a horrible dilemma.

My mouth ran dry as I strolled over to the Ponds, " Phew that was a close one!" I exclaimed, grinning like a mad man, which in a way, I suppose, I am.

" You can say that again." Rory mumbled under his breath.

I found myself suppressing a light groan as I eyed the now sleeping snake. I couldn't get the image of it's mouth out of my mind. I quickly sat down in the dirt and the leaves beside Amy, and bit down on my lip as I tried to hold back stage two.

" Doctor …" Amy's voice trailed off. I followed her gaze and blushed furiously at where my hands were now trying to deal with my situation.

I grunted again, and found my breathing rocketing through the roof. I could already feel the scream soaring through my throat. It was too late!

" Ponds I can explain I_ FLOBBATABAGOLOOSH! EXTRANGVAMERVETA!" My cries of Gallifreyan were over as quickly as they had come.

Amy raised an eyebrow at me, and Rory just looked on in disgust and confusion.

" Well, we're waiting?" Amy chided.

" I'm not sure I even want to know." Rory grimaced.

" Vorarephilia." I clicked my tongue against my top teeth and brushed a hand through my thick mop of brown hair, " Can't live with it. Can't live without it."

Later that night the Ponds googled Vorarephilia.

They would never be able to look at the raggedy man the same way again.

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	10. Strip Tease

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own **

**A/N: This one's for Jesa463. **

**By now you probably know most of these one-shots are a tad risqué . Whilst this isn't as risqué as some previous ones it does contain a stripping Doctor, and a very large cake. **

**May the chaos ensue :**

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Rory was exploring the TARDIS, when he came across a rather unusual, and unsettling sight. Situated bang in the centre of the TARDIS corridor was a gigantic cake.

The last time he had seen such a sight was on his stag night. It was a most unforgettable night, and had been the night where his life had turned completely topsy turvy. His life was now changed for the better, but unfortunately for Rory, The Doctor had ruined the way he looked at both cake, and strippers. This mean that the sight of the gigantic cake left Rory both panicked, and extremely nervous.

Blinking away his jittering nerves, and swallowing down hard on the rising lump in his throat, he edged warily towards the object that was taunting him so. He wasn't entirely sure why he was going forwards, as every gut instinct in his body was telling him to run, and to never look back. This was one event that he should just walk away from.

Arriving at the humungous cake he found himself feeling even more terrified that previously. Butterflies played havoc within his stomach, and his heart began pumping unbearably fast. On top of all those things, he was beginning to feel incredibly nauseous. It was the sort of sickening fear that he had so often felt when Amy _ on more than one occasion _ had forced him to watch the sort of scary movie where something pops up at you every five seconds.

Rory had ever right to be fearful, for waiting inside the cake was a giggling Timelord on a sugar high.

Minutes passed, and soon there was a tense silence that filled Rory with dread. Unfortunately for poor unsuspecting Rory, that silence was soon outlived.

" Boo!" The Doctor sprung from the cake like a jack in a box with a huge spastic grin widening his features, " Hello Rory!" He waved madly at Rory.

" Err_ Um _ What?" Rory tried to regain his composure, with little success.

" I just wanted to know what the whole person in cake, person jumps out cake, thing's about." The Doctor exclaimed merrily, " I mean, what is the purpose of it?" He asked, brow knitted in deep thought.

" Um_ Well_ Actually." Rory stammered, but was quickly interrupted by the hyper- active alien.

" Come on Pond! You must know! You had one on your stag night after all!" The Doctor was jumping up and down on the inside of the cake now.

" Actually it's Williams." He protested feebly.

" Don't be ridiculous! It's Pond! " The Doctor pointed out, " Now are you going to tell me about the whole cake business, or what?" The Timelord fixed his excited green eyes onto Rory. He looked exactly like a curious cat with his unblinking eyes.

Rory sighed in defeat. He would never be able to win an argument against The Doctor. Well, if you can't beat them, join them, " It's actually what comes after the person comes out of the cake. " Rory licked his, by now, far too dry lips.

" And what's that Pond?" The Doctor asked, confused.

Rory groaned, and rubbed at his eyes in a mild frustration at the use of his improper name. A blush of embarrassment was quickly setting in, and flooding across his face, " They um _ Take off their clothes." He swallowed, and bit down on his lower lip.

" They what!" The Doctor squealed in surprise, " Why in Rassilon do they do that!" His face was contorted, and he took on the spitting image of a child learning the world was spinning at a million miles per hour for the first time.

" Well _ It makes the people who are watching happy." Rory immediately regretted what he said.

" Happy? Hmm." The Doctor hummed in contemplation, climbed from the cake, and then before Rory could so much as yell at him to stop, began pulling at his shirt buttons.

Rory wanted to close his eyes, but they seemed to be stuck on open as their default.

The Doctor gradually pulled out each individual button.

If Rory hadn't been embarrassed before, he certainly was now. He wanted to protest but his mouth held no words for what was occurring.

The Doctor was grinning like a mad man as he stripped at an unbearably slow rate. First his jacket slipped to the ground, then he slid his shirt from his shoulders. By the time The Doctor's hand was on his belt buckle Rory was practically hyperthentalateing.

The Doctor dropped the belt to the ground with an almighty clatter, and then bent down as he wiggled out of his trousers, revealing his bow-tie print boxers. When he began tugging at his boxers Rory finally found his voice.

" Err no that's ok. I think I'm happy now. Very happy! No need to take those off." His voice was crackled, and his breathing came out in short spurts. He was feeling unbearably hot, and uncomfortable.

This wasn't exactly how he had imagined how his wedding night would go.

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